I Read it for the Articles...

So, I was perusing through the Playboy website (don't judge me-- they really do have some fantastic articles and interviews on there) and I came across an interesting piece.  I swear to you, it is not pornography, although the ads on the side of the page are a little distracting.  If you've clicked on the link, which I'm pretty sure you haven't because you're a lazy little bastard and the acts of clicking something and reading are far too difficult, you've probably realized that the topic of the article is "bathsalts."  You know, the drug that everyone was going so goddamn crazy about over the summer.  It was like the reefer madness propaganda met the crack epidemic and had the most terribly annoying child in drug culture history.  I, like many others, thought that you snorted or smoked or shot up this shit, and suddenly you became a naked, face-eating maniac!!  Well, looks like I was wrong.

Now, I'm assuming a few of you may have clicked the link by now, but saw that the article was longer than 200 words and instinctively said "I don't have time to read this."  A couple things before I get started: 1) you can pause your Netflix; 2) you're a sucky human being and a vacuum of misinformation; 3)  I honestly hope that you train your children, if, God forbid, you ever have any, to have a more tenacious thirst for knowledge, one that your menial intelligence seems to lack.  But, I digress.  Investigative reporter Frank Owen decided to delve into the issue without any biases or preconcieved notions.  The result: a beautifully thought out and well crafted article that cuts straight through all the political bullshit and calls out the Miami Police Department for sparking a fervor toward stricter drug legislation out of their unwillingness to own up to their mistakes. 

First, here are the facts on the Miami PD: at the time of the incident, the Department of Justice was investigating the Miami Police Department.  Hispanic officers had killed 7 black civilians in an 8 month span.  Ramirez, the officer who first responded to the call, was indeed, Hispanic.  And the man who he shot, an unarmed, albeit murderous, black man.  Here are the facts about Armando Aguilar, the Union president: he was a narcotics officer during the crack epidemic.  He was also charged with planting evidence in 1993.  Several of his comrades decided to beat a drug dealer to death.  He planted a knife at the scene so it would look like the officers were defending themselves.  He also told reporters, at the scene of the face-eating crime, that the man was on a very strong batch of LSD.  The media then claimed it was "bathsalts" when under-qualified physician, and full on fucking whack-job, Paul Adams called the department to tell them he was sure it was "bathsalts."  To illustrate the man's qualifications, he said "If you tap someone on the shoulder and that person turns around and smiles at you, the likelihood is that person is on ecstasy."

Owen didn't buy the bullshit and did his homework.  His research led him to the conclusion that the active ingredients in bathsalts produce a high similar to that of MDMA, or ecstasy.   But, just to be sure, Owen bumped a couple of lines himself.  The result: good old Frank trying to have sex with his wife before depleting all his serotonin and being relatively agitated for a little bit.  But, folks, here's the icing on the cake-- Rudy Eugene, the face-eater, only tested positive for marijuana.  Even more interesting was the fact that Eugene displayed signs of schizophrenia.  That, coupled with heavy marijuana usage, could've led to a psychotic breakdown.  Schizophrenia may also explain why Eugene was carrying a bible with him down the highway at the time of the attack. 

So, to conclude, a man with a serious mental health issue accosted and attacked a homeless individual.  A police officer who feared for his life and the life of the victim used what force he deemed necessary to subdue him.  A corrupt policeman and quack doctor come up with some bullshit story demonizing an overall harmless drug.  And the media does absolutely nothing to stop it, because all the assholes on the major news networks are too important to do their jobs.  In the words of Frank Owen: " Horror stories about intoxicants have been a staple of American reporting since the temperance crusades, but this one was the mother of all drug-scare stories. It was too good for journalists to fact-check."