Cover Letters

When applying for jobs does anyone really know what to put on a cover letter?  You are supposed to talk yourself up to some degree but without making it seem as if you are a complete idiot.  You need to say how your previous experience can help you in this next position without going on too much about the previous experience because the reader gets bored and can look at your resume anyways.

Basically, cover letters are bullshit.  You need to express interest in the position but not bore the reader, brag about yourself too much, or take more than a few paragraphs to really make them understand what you want.  Here's what I really want to say when I'm writing a cover letter:

February 26, 2013
Who Cares Partners LLC
New York, New York

To the representative of WCP:
Hello,
My name is __________.  I am writing to express my interest in your writing position located in New York, New York. 
I am a May 2012 graduate of ______________ where I received a degree in Nonsense.  I did well at school and kept up my GPA and scholarship, but it's not like you really care about that right?  That's right as long as I didn't fail out it's fine.  Now you assinine people want me to have 18 billion internships under my belt.
Guess what?  That's fine because I got them.  Mad?  I'm a boss.  I should probably be your boss, but hey I'm not picky.  I'll take anything you want to give me.  Why?  Well, look at it this way.  Short of extremely specific fields like medicine and engineering, I'm your guy.  How do I know?  Well, let's see...I'll pretty much do anything you need of me for that paycheck.  Want me to be all sweet and polite to clients?  No problem.  Be courteous on the phone and in e-mails?  Gotcha.  Handle everyone else's stuff when they're out to lunch?  With one hand tied behind my back.
Seriously, if you want me to be the ass in the office so we can play "good cop, bad cop" with the clients I have no issues.  Do you want me to find you weed?  I can manage that.  Guess what, I have very few boundaries when it comes to making sure I don't have to move back in with my parents, particularly if the money is right.  Hey, everyone has their price.
If we can be perfectly honest with each, most likely this job is just something I'm sitting at a desk for 8 hours a day typing shit into some database.  That's fine with me.  I'm great at typing, like 90 words a minute.  Ya that's right, 90.  Like I said BOSS.  I bet YOU reading this right now can't even do that.
You want my previous expereince?  Ok, well here's like 7 jobs I had before applying here.  Yes, that's right they all look great on my resume, some big name companies that I was a BOSS at. You mad?  My resume looks better than yours right now recruiter dude.  So yea, you can go ahead and set up that interview, but you should really just hire me right now.  If you don't someone else will and it'll be the best decision the company ever made.
Thank you for your consideration.
Sincerely,
____________

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